When couples enter therapy, especially after experiencing betrayal trauma, they often come in a state of distress, triggered by fight/flight/freeze responses. The emotional pain they feel is immense, and the thought of delving into what happened might feel overwhelming. Many clients may ask, “Why do we need to map out what happened?” At its core, this question reveals a profound need for relief. They are not just asking for explanations—they are seeking comfort in the midst of overwhelming emotional turmoil.
But here’s the reality: before healing can begin, both partners need to understand what’s happened. One of the first steps toward this healing process is being able to self-soothe. Without the ability to regulate one’s emotions and calm the nervous system, it’s nearly impossible to move forward in a productive way. When people are caught in a cycle of spiraling emotions, it’s essential to introduce techniques that can help them regain control, such as diaphragmatic breathing. This technique is incredibly effective in shifting the body’s response from the fight/flight/freeze state to a more grounded, present state.
Why Mapping Out the Negative Interaction Cycle Matters
When there has been a betrayal—whether it’s an affair, porn use, or another form of emotional breach—it can feel like a medical emergency. The shock is severe, the pain is intense, and the immediate response is often to “fix” things right away. However, while wanting to end the pain is completely natural, jumping straight into reassurance or solutions without understanding the root causes can actually hinder the healing process.
Imagine learning about a betrayal as similar to breaking a bone. Initially, the injury seems catastrophic—like a bombshell has gone off in your life. The immediate response is understandable: “How do I stop the pain?” Yet, just as you wouldn’t treat a broken bone by merely applying a bandaid, you can’t truly heal betrayal trauma without understanding what led to the behavior in the first place.
The Importance of Self-Regulation for the Healing Process
The ability to self-regulate is essential before any meaningful repair work can take place. Partners who are deeply hurt may struggle to manage their emotions, especially in the face of a betrayal. If they can’t calm themselves, it becomes difficult to engage in the open, productive conversations necessary for healing. This is why, in therapy, one of the first goals is to help partners learn to soothe themselves and reduce the overwhelming emotions. Only then can they begin to truly listen to each other and understand the dynamics at play.
Understanding What Happened: The Key to True Reassurance
True reassurance doesn’t come from an immediate fix or an attempt to sweep the issue under the rug. It comes from a deep understanding of what led to the betrayal in the first place. If you don’t know how your partner ended up in that position, you won’t know how to prevent it from happening again or what areas to focus on for healing. Reassurance is not just about saying “I’m sorry”—it’s about understanding the behavior, addressing it, and creating a plan for how to move forward.
In therapy, the goal is not just to provide temporary relief from the pain. We aim to uncover the underlying patterns and dynamics that contributed to the betrayal. What does the individual behavior point to? What unmet needs or relational issues were at play? By focusing on understanding the root causes, both partners can develop an action plan for healing and change. This is where a recovery mindset comes in—a mindset that focuses on personal growth, self-awareness, and repairing the relationship over time, rather than simply aiming for abstinence or sobriety.
The Role of Both Partners: Self-Led vs. Fear-Led
In the aftermath of betrayal, it’s common for both partners to feel driven by fear. The betraying partner may feel guilty and want to “fix” things quickly, while the betrayed partner may feel overwhelmed with distrust and anger. Both reactions are rooted in fear, but therapy is about shifting from a fear-led response to a self-led one. We must acknowledge the discomfort that comes with this process and learn to sit with it. Growth doesn’t happen in comfort—it happens when we face our fears and vulnerabilities head-on.
It’s important to remember that behaviors like porn use are symptoms, not the problem itself. To truly heal, you need to understand what’s driving these behaviors. Is it a lack of connection? Is it avoidance of deeper emotional pain? Identifying these root causes is essential for creating lasting change.
The Mindset Shift: Recovery vs. Abstinence
When working through betrayal trauma, it’s crucial to adopt a recovery mindset instead of focusing solely on abstinence or sobriety. The recovery mindset is about growth, understanding, and change. It’s about understanding that the issue is not just about the symptom (e.g., porn use) but the deeper issues that led to it. Only by addressing the underlying causes can lasting change happen.
Conclusion
Mapping out the negative interaction cycle may seem daunting, especially when emotions are running high. But it’s an essential step in understanding what happened and beginning the healing process. By focusing on self-regulation, uncovering the root causes of the betrayal, and creating a clear plan for healing, couples can move from pain and confusion to growth and understanding. This is the true path to recovery.
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