Understanding What to Share with Your Partner
A structured approach to disclosure can be helpful in recovery from sexual addiction or betrayal trauma. The three concentric circles model provides a framework for understanding what should be shared with a partner and what should be processed with an accountability partner or therapist.
The Three Circles:
1. The Inner (Black) Circle – What You Must Tell Your Partner
This circle consists of behaviors that directly impact trust and the integrity of the relationship. It includes:
Engaging in an affair
Contacting or meeting with escorts
These actions must be disclosed to the partner as they directly affect the foundation of the relationship. Transparency and honesty in this area are crucial for rebuilding trust.
2. The Middle (Gray) Circle – Discretionary Sharing
This circle includes behaviors that may be concerning but do not necessarily require full disclosure of explicit details to a partner. Examples include:
Viewing pornography and/or masturbating
Sexually acting out
Watching provocative videos without masturbating
Rather than sharing graphic details that could retraumatize the betrayed partner, the individual can acknowledge the behavior in a structured manner. Instead of a vague statement like, “It was a hard day,” they should say, “I engaged in gray-area behavior today and will discuss it with my accountability partner (therapist, sponsor, etc.).” This approach maintains honesty while protecting the partner from unnecessary emotional distress.
3. The Outer (White) Circle – Triggers and Thoughts
This includes:
Fantasizing
Objectifying others
Experiencing thoughts that could lead to acting out
While these thoughts do not always lead to sexual acting out, if they are intentionally indulged, they can result in edging behaviors (gray-area actions) that increase the likelihood of relapse. Recognizing and addressing these triggers with an accountability partner is essential in preventing escalation.
The Role of an Accountability Partner
Many betrayed partners wonder, “Why can’t I be an accountability partner?” While this comes from a place of love and a desire to support, hearing explicit details of porn consumption or acting out can retraumatize the betrayed partner and deepen their pain.
While openness and honesty are crucial for rebuilding trust, not all explicit details need to be shared with the partner. Instead, an accountability partner—a licensed therapist, a recovery sponsor, or a trusted mentor—plays a critical role in providing structured support. Knowing that their partner is working with an accountability partner can be reassuring without exposing them to unnecessary emotional distress.
Navigating What to Share
Partners who ask for details of the viewed content may not realize the impact of their inquiries. Instead of focusing on specifics, it is more helpful to recognize the underlying concerns behind their questions:
Do you love me?
Do I matter to you?
Am I a priority in your life?
Taking an emotionally focused approach to these discussions can prevent defensiveness and foster a deeper emotional connection. As outlined in Full Disclosure: Seeking Truth After Sexual Betrayal (Volume One), understanding the emotions behind these questions can help couples navigate the recovery process with empathy.
Finding the Right Accountability Partner
An accountability partner should ideally be someone who has personal experience with recovery and understands the challenges of addiction. Recommended accountability partners include:
A member of a recovery group
A trusted friend who has gone through similar struggles
A supportive family member
The key is choosing someone trustworthy, experienced, and committed to providing non-judgmental support.
Rebuilding Trust Without Re-Traumatization
For couples navigating the difficult journey of recovery, open communication is essential—but so is setting healthy boundaries. Trust is not rebuilt through sharing explicit details but rather through consistent, honest, and transparent behavior. A licensed therapist can guide this process, ensuring that both partners feel heard and supported while minimizing unnecessary emotional harm.
By choosing the right accountability partner and approaching recovery with emotional awareness, couples can heal and strengthen their relationship in a way that fosters true intimacy and trust.
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