Betrayal trauma can deeply impact the betrayed partner, often leading to heightened emotional responses. Everyday occurrences that previously felt insignificant may now serve as painful reminders of infidelity, triggering distressing reactions. These reactions often manifest as anger, sadness, or panic, sometimes resulting in statements that come across as accusatory.
The Natural Response of the Betrayer
In these moments, the betraying partner may instinctively become defensive, attempting to clarify their intentions. For instance, a betrayed partner might become upset over a seemingly minor lie, leaving the betraying partner confused and frustrated. However, what they need to recognize is the deeper emotional wound beneath the surface. Instead of viewing the reaction as an overreaction, they should ask themselves, What part of my partner is being activated right now?
Many betrayers, despite their best efforts to reassure their partner and defend their intentions, often fail to address the true impact of their past actions. As a result, their well-intentioned reassurances may feel hollow, leaving the betrayed partner feeling unheard and invalidated. This leads many betrayed partners to ask, What do I need from my partner to feel safe again?
The Power of Empathy Over Reassurance
Brené Brown highlights the critical distinction between empathy and sympathy. In her well-known video on the topic, she illustrates how true empathy requires us to step into the emotional space of another person. Instead of offering quick fixes, rationalizations, or assurances of changed behavior, the most impactful response is to simply be with the betrayed partner in their pain.
Rather than saying:
“I promise I’ll never do that again.”
“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”
“You’re making too big of a deal out of this.”
Try responding with:
“I can see how much this is hurting you.”
“I may not fully understand, but I’m here with you.”
“I’m so grateful you’re sharing this with me.”
Empathy is about creating a space where the betrayed partner feels safe to express their emotions. It involves being vulnerable and brave enough to acknowledge their pain without minimizing or rationalizing it. This can be as simple as offering a hug, listening without interruption, or asking open-ended questions that encourage deeper sharing.
Digging Deeper: The Hidden Layers of Pain
In many cases, what appears on the surface is just a glimpse of a much deeper wound. When a betrayed partner reacts strongly to something seemingly minor, it’s usually tied to a deeper fear or unresolved hurt. By choosing curiosity over defensiveness, the betraying partner can begin to truly understand what their partner needs.
Instead of focusing on proving good intentions, shift the focus to understanding the emotional impact. Ask yourself:
“What emotions are driving this reaction?”
“How can I show my partner that I see their pain?”
“Am I truly present, or am I trying to end this conversation quickly?”
Healing from betrayal trauma is not about finding the perfect words to make everything better. It’s about consistently showing up with empathy, patience, and a willingness to hold space for difficult emotions. By climbing down into the emotional space with their partner—rather than trying to pull them out—the betraying partner can help foster safety, trust, and deeper emotional connection in the relationship.
If you or your partner are struggling with betrayal trauma, seeking support from a professional therapist can provide valuable guidance. Healing takes time, but with intentional effort and deep emotional presence, rebuilding trust is possible.
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