Language plays a crucial role in the way we communicate with our partners. Often, we use superlatives—words like “always” and “never”—without realizing their impact. While these words may seem like a way to emphasize our feelings, they can actually be damaging to conversations, leading to defensiveness and conflict rather than resolution.
The Problem with Superlatives
Using phrases like “You always forget to take out the trash” or “You never listen to me” can unintentionally escalate conflicts. In reality, it is rarely accurate to say that someone always or never does something. These words tend to overgeneralize and can make a partner feel unfairly judged or criticized. When this happens, they may respond with counterattacks, such as “I don’t always do that” or “Well, you always do this.” This back-and-forth exchange can quickly derail productive discussions.
Superlatives and the Four Horsemen
The Gottman Institute identifies four key behaviors that can predict relationship struggles: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Superlatives often contribute to these negative patterns, particularly criticism and defensiveness. Criticism occurs when one partner attacks the other’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior, while defensiveness arises as a response to feeling blamed.
By softening language—using words like “often,” “sometimes,” or “occasionally” instead of “always” or “never”—couples can reduce the likelihood of triggering these destructive responses. For example, saying “I’ve noticed that you sometimes forget to take out the trash” allows for a more constructive dialogue where the partner is less likely to feel attacked and more likely to respond with understanding.
Reframing Conflict: Catching the Bullet
In therapy, a technique known as “catching the bullet,” developed by Sue Johnson (founder of EFT), helps couples reframe accusatory statements into expressions of feelings and needs. Instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” a partner can reframe the statement to express their emotional experience: “I sometimes feel unheard, and I really value feeling connected with you.” This shift allows the conversation to focus on the core emotions and needs rather than blame, fostering deeper understanding and empathy.
Becoming More Aware of Our Language
We often use superlatives unconsciously, especially when we feel hurt or impacted by a situation. Recognizing this pattern and making intentional changes can help create healthier conversations. Some strategies include:
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Pausing before speaking to reflect on whether a statement is truly accurate.
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Replacing absolute words like “always” and “never” with more nuanced terms like “often” or “sometimes.”
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Focusing on personal feelings rather than making accusations.
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Seeking therapy to develop better communication strategies and learn to mediate discussions effectively.
Strengthening Your Relationship Through Mindful Communication
Making small adjustments in language can significantly improve relationship dynamics. By eliminating superlatives and focusing on expressing emotions rather than assigning blame, couples can foster greater connection and understanding. Therapy can be an excellent resource for learning these skills and reinforcing healthier communication patterns.
If you and your partner struggle with these communication pitfalls, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help guide you toward more productive and compassionate conversations. Remember, words have power—use them wisely to build a stronger, more loving relationship.
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