In relationships, one of the most common and frustrating cycles couples fall into is the debate between impact and intent. A simple analogy I often use to illustrate this dynamic is the experience of being physically hurt—let’s say, accidentally getting elbowed in the head while making dinner.
The Kitchen Analogy: Understanding Impact vs. Intent
Imagine Partner 1 and Partner 2 are in the kitchen preparing dinner. Partner 1, reaching for a spice jar behind Partner 2, accidentally elbows Partner 2 in the head. Partner 2 reacts with, “Ow, that really hurt!” Partner 1, feeling bad, quickly responds, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I was just trying to grab the spice.” However, Partner 2, still in pain, repeats, “Ow, it still really hurts.” Frustrated, Partner 1 continues defending themselves, emphasizing, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Over time, Partner 2 grows more upset, concluding, “You do this all the time—you meant to hurt me.” At this point, Partner 1, feeling accused and misunderstood, retaliates: “Well, remember when you smacked me on the head? That was on purpose!” And round and round they go in a cycle of misunderstanding and defensiveness.
In this scenario, Partner 1’s intention was not to hurt Partner 2, yet Partner 2 still experienced impact—pain. What happens next is common in relationships: one partner defends their intent, while the other is focused on their experience of pain. This dynamic keeps couples stuck in a conflict loop, with neither partner feeling heard or validated.
The Order of Operations: Addressing Impact Before Intent
To break this cycle, I counsel couples to address impact before intent. It’s a crucial order of operations.
Instead of rushing to defend their intent, Partner 1 could have responded, “I’m so sorry, that must have really hurt. Are you okay?” This approach validates the pain first. After Partner 2 feels heard and acknowledged, Partner 1 can then explain, “I truly didn’t mean to hurt you; I was just trying to get the spice.” By addressing impact first, couples create emotional safety and reduce defensiveness, making it easier to resolve conflicts without escalating into blame and accusations.
Applying Impact vs. Intent to Betrayal Trauma
This principle is especially relevant in betrayal trauma, where the betrayed partner often experiences PTSD-like symptoms. Let’s compare it to watching a scary movie—after watching, you’re hypersensitive to every small noise in the house, perceiving danger even where none exists. Similarly, after an affair, the betrayed partner may feel hypervigilant and struggle to trust again.
When the betrayer asks, “Why can’t you just move on?” or “Why don’t you trust me yet?” they are skipping over the impact of the betrayal and focusing only on their intent moving forward. But trust is not rebuilt overnight—it takes time, patience, and a willingness to hold space for the betrayed partner’s pain.
Rebuilding Trust: A Two-Way Effort
It’s important to note that healing from betrayal is not solely the responsibility of the betrayer. The betrayed partner must also work on rebuilding self-confidence and self-worth. Falling into a victim mentality—believing the other person is entirely at fault while making no personal efforts to heal—can prevent progress. Both partners need to commit to understanding the deep-seated issues that led to disconnection and, ultimately, the betrayal.
Affairs Don’t Happen in a Vacuum: The Need for Radical Honesty
Affairs don’t happen out of nowhere. Often, they are the result of years of unresolved pain, disconnection, and unmet needs. For couples to truly heal, they must engage in radical honesty—exploring not just the betrayal itself but the long-term patterns that led to it. This requires bravery and trust, knowing that hard truths will be shared without fear of retribution.
A critical part of rebuilding trust is addressing the “What’s to say this won’t happen again?” fear. The answer lies in understanding what led to the disconnect in the first place. Only by uncovering these root issues can a couple move forward with confidence, knowing they have the tools to prevent future breaches of trust.
The Path Forward: Truth Builds Trust
Trust is not rebuilt through empty promises—it is rebuilt through truth. Couples must be willing to acknowledge the full impact of their actions while also taking accountability for creating a safe, honest, and open relationship moving forward. By prioritizing impact over intent, fostering radical honesty, and committing to mutual healing, couples can break free from destructive cycles and cultivate a stronger, more resilient bond.
If you and your partner are struggling with trust, conflict, or emotional disconnection, therapy can provide a structured space to work through these challenges. At Big Valley Therapy, we specialize in helping couples navigate the complexities of betrayal, healing, and reconnection. Reach out today to start your journey toward deeper trust and understanding.
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