Grief doesn’t simply go away. It doesn’t shrink or fade into the background. Instead, as Lois Tonkin’s model suggests, we grow around our grief. This concept is a profound shift from the traditional notion of grief as something that diminishes with time. Instead, life expands and evolves, creating space for healing, joy, and new experiences—all while grief remains a part of our journey.
Infidelity and the Grieving Process
Infidelity can evoke deep grief, much like mourning the loss of a loved one. The life one envisioned, the trust that once existed, and the security of the relationship are shattered. Partners who experience betrayal often find themselves asking:
When will this pain end?
Can our relationship ever be fixed?
Is all hope lost?
For the betrayer, the process of repair can also be fraught with uncertainty and guilt. They may wonder whether trust will ever be restored and whether healing is truly possible. The reality is that healing from infidelity, like grief, does not follow a strict timeline—it is a unique and evolving process for each individual and couple. Many betrayed partners hope that grief is linear, moving predictably toward an endpoint, but it is not that simple. Instead, grief fluctuates, intensifies, and subsides in unpredictable waves, requiring patience and ongoing support.
Triggers and the PTSD-Like Response
One of the most challenging aspects of healing from infidelity is dealing with triggers. Everyday moments—places, conversations, or even passing thoughts—can act as reminders, reigniting the pain of betrayal like a light switch suddenly turning on. The emotional response to these triggers can be intense, similar to PTSD reactions, where the betrayed partner feels thrown back into the pain of discovery.
It is in these moments that the role of the betrayer is crucial. Rather than becoming defensive or impatient, offering love, empathy, and a deep understanding of the hurt can create a pathway for healing. This requires patience and a willingness to listen, acknowledging the betrayed partner’s emotions as they process the pain.
Full Disclosure and the Process of Rebuilding
Many couples undergoing healing from infidelity turn to full disclosure as a means of reestablishing honesty. In Full Disclosure: Seeking Truth After Sexual Betrayal (Volume One), it is noted that even after complete transparency, the betrayed partner may still be in a state of grieving. This reinforces the idea that disclosure is only the beginning—it lays the foundation for rebuilding trust, but the “house” of the relationship still needs to be rebuilt through consistent actions over time.
Patience is essential. While grief remains a part of the journey, growth is possible. Trust is not restored overnight but through continued honesty, accountability, and emotional support. By acknowledging the pain and creating space for healing, couples can navigate the complexities of infidelity and work toward a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Embracing Growth Around Grief
Lois Tonkin’s model reminds us that grief does not disappear, but life continues to expand around it. Infidelity, like grief, leaves a lasting impact, but it does not mean the end of growth or love. Through patience, understanding, and dedicated effort, healing is possible. The pain of betrayal may always exist in some form, but so too can the resilience, trust, and strength of a relationship that has been rebuilt with care.
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