When an affair happens, the betrayed partner often asks, “Did you truly love me?” This question cuts deep, touching on feelings of love, betrayal, and self-worth. To understand the answer, we must explore the connection between love, self-acceptance, and emotional capacity.
The Capacity to Love and Self-Love
Love is not just a feeling but an experience shaped by our ability to connect with ourselves. If the betrayer practices radical honesty, they may admit: “I wanted to confidently say that I loved you, but I was not fully capable of doing so because I did not fully love myself.”
The belief here is that you cannot truly love someone else if you do not love yourself. Love requires vulnerability, emotional regulation, and the ability to both give and receive affection. If someone has lived their entire life with deep-seated shame and disconnection from their true, authentic Self, they may struggle to experience love fully.
Shame and the Inability to Receive Love
For someone who has carried shame for most of their life, accepting love and affection can be difficult. They may unconsciously reject love because they do not believe they are worthy of it. This can be deeply frustrating for the betrayed partner, who may say, “I told you I loved you and showed you love every day.” However, expressing love does not guarantee that the other person internalized or believed it.
Key takeaway: The betrayed partner does not have control over their partner’s shame, but they can choose to offer support and encouragement. Recognizing this distinction can help shift the focus toward healing rather than self-blame.
Did You Love the Affair Partner?
Another painful question that often arises is: “Did you love the person you had an affair with?”
The reality is that most affairs are not about love but avoidance and numbing emotional pain. Even if the affair involved emotional and sexual intimacy, it was likely an escape—a way to cope with feelings of unworthiness and shame.
Healing After Betrayal
For couples seeking to heal after infidelity, it is crucial to address:
Self-love and shame: Understanding the betrayer’s struggle with self-worth can help clarify why the affair happened.
Emotional connection: Learning how to give and receive love in healthy ways can rebuild intimacy.
Radical honesty: Open conversations about love, shame, and needs can pave the way for healing.
While infidelity causes deep pain, it can also be a turning point for growth and transformation. By exploring these underlying emotional wounds, both partners can find clarity, whether that means repairing the relationship or moving forward separately.
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