Launching children into adulthood is one of the most significant and challenging transitions for many families. As your child moves from adolescence into young adulthood, the shift in the parent-child dynamic can feel overwhelming. The relationships are changing, and so are the expectations. What once was […]
Have you ever felt stuck in your thoughts, overwhelmed by emotions, or uncertain about a decision? It’s natural to have moments where your mind feels like a never-ending stream of thoughts, going around and around with no clear direction. This is where therapy can be incredibly […]
At Big Valley Therapy, the therapeutic process goes beyond simply talking about problems—it involves creating meaningful experiences that help clients break free from old patterns. The therapists at Big Valley Therapy believe that real change happens when clients experience shifts in their behaviors, emotions, and relationships. […]
When you come to therapy, it’s often because you’re feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about your emotions and experiences. Proper assessment and diagnosing are vital tools that help uncover the underlying causes of your struggles—whether they stem from unmet emotional needs, unresolved conflicts, or other factors. This […]
Emotions play a crucial role in how we connect with others and navigate life’s challenges. You may have wondered: What is the purpose of emotions? The answer is simple yet profound—they help us form secure relationships and develop self-leadership, allowing us to live more fulfilling lives.Understanding […]
At the heart of society is the family. When we think of family, we often picture couples, parents, children, and extended relatives. However, each family is made up of individuals, each with their own thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps us understand […]
Emotions can feel overwhelming and complicated, and it’s often hard to pinpoint exactly why we feel the way we do. Our emotions are not just simple, one-dimensional experiences—they’re layered, influenced by different parts of ourselves. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we think of these parts as […]
Emotions are not just a modern phenomenon. From the time of our nomadic ancestors to today’s fast-paced world, emotions have been essential for survival and adaptation. Take anxiety, for example. In the past, it would alert our ancestors to potential danger, like the need to flee […]
Many people wonder why a family member, especially one who is a trained therapist, cannot also serve as their therapist. The simple answer is that a family member is part of the same system, which inherently creates bias and prevents the objectivity required for effective therapy. […]
Attunement is the foundation of emotional intimacy in relationships. It means truly knowing your partner—their thoughts, emotions, feelings, values, dreams, aspirations, and needs. In healthy relationships, both partners actively tune in to each other, fostering a sense of security and connection. However, in relationships impacted by […]
The phrase “self-fulfilling prophecy” is commonly used both in therapy and everyday life, referring to the idea that what you believe will happen often does. This concept is especially relevant in the context of mental health, where individuals struggling with conditions such as depression, anxiety, and […]
Language plays a crucial role in the way we communicate with our partners. Often, we use superlatives—words like “always” and “never”—without realizing their impact. While these words may seem like a way to emphasize our feelings, they can actually be damaging to conversations, leading to defensiveness […]
When the thought, flash, or trigger to view pornography enters your mind, having a game plan in place is crucial. Without a clear strategy, you may find yourself engaging in an exhausting mental battle, trying to rationalize or suppress the urge—only to end up feeling defeated. […]
Why Do In-Law Relationships Feel So Challenging?Many people experience tension with their in-laws, leading to conflict and emotional distress. But why is this such a common issue? From a Family Systems Theory perspective, introducing a new member into the family creates a shift in homeostasis, or […]
Teenagers often feel like their parents are controlling, manipulative, and uninterested in their happiness. It’s easy to interpret rules, curfews, and expectations as restrictions rather than guidance. However, what if the reality is quite the opposite? More often than not, parents deeply desire their children to […]
When experiencing a relapse or slip-up in sexually compulsive behavior, it’s easy to focus solely on the behavior itself and set a sobriety or abstinence goal of simply saying, “I won’t do it again.” While abstinence is a vital component of recovery, true healing involves understanding […]
When people first think about the recovery journey for sexually compulsive behavior, they often perceive it as an overwhelming and daunting task. Many individuals seek recovery out of necessity—frequently as a last-ditch effort to save a relationship. Because of this, a deep sense of shame often […]
In many relationships, especially during arguments, couples often fall into a common communication trap: while one partner is speaking, the other is already formulating their rebuttal rather than truly listening. This can lead to both partners talking over each other, increasing frustration and reducing the chances […]
Betrayal trauma can deeply impact the betrayed partner, often leading to heightened emotional responses. Everyday occurrences that previously felt insignificant may now serve as painful reminders of infidelity, triggering distressing reactions. These reactions often manifest as anger, sadness, or panic, sometimes resulting in statements that come […]
Money is more than just numbers in a bank account—it’s deeply tied to our emotions, security, and overall well-being. Our relationship with money is shaped by early experiences in our family of origin, as discussed in The Millionaire Mindset book. Growing up in different socioeconomic backgrounds […]
Many individuals experience depressive and anxious symptoms tied to not being present in the moment. It is common for people to subscribe to the belief that happiness is conditional—that fulfillment will come only after achieving success, securing a dream career, or reaching a specific milestone. However, […]
Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all process. The structure of therapy can differ based on the unique needs of each client, particularly when it comes to couples navigating their relationship. Understanding the different options available can help individuals and couples make informed decisions about the best therapeutic […]
Sexual intimacy can feel profoundly different after experiencing betrayal trauma, particularly when healing from childhood sexual trauma or infidelity. The emotional wounds left behind may create hurdles that make it challenging to reconnect physically. However, with time, patience, and open communication, couples can navigate this journey […]
When it comes to trauma therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is often viewed as both a powerful and, at times, intense healing process. Many who embark on EMDR therapy liken the journey to healing a broken leg—an analogy that encapsulates the pain, the necessity […]
Sexual compulsive behaviors, such as excessive porn use or infidelity, often stem from a deeper issue: objectification. When individuals view others as mere objects of desire rather than whole human beings with thoughts, emotions, and lives, it fuels a cycle of shame, secrecy, and compulsive behavior. […]
Compatibility in relationships is often misunderstood. Many couples assume that being compatible means sharing the same preferences, interests, and ways of connecting. However, true compatibility isn’t about sameness—it’s about understanding, adapting, and growing together while respecting each other’s differences.The Emotional vs. Physical Connection DilemmaOne common area […]
Procrastination is one of the most common obstacles to productivity and personal growth. How often have you heard someone say, “I didn’t have time”? More often than not, this is an excuse rather than a reality. Time itself is a socially constructed concept—meaning that in order […]
One of the key indicators of true recovery is the ability to take charge of one’s life with accountability and confidence. Developing self-confidence is not just about positive thinking; it requires a structured approach to understanding and living in alignment with one’s values. By identifying and […]
“They Are a Narcissist.”This is a statement I frequently hear in couples therapy. In today’s world, the term “narcissist” is often thrown around loosely, sometimes as a way to describe a difficult partner or justify one’s feelings of frustration. However, it’s important to recognize that true […]
When infidelity occurs in a relationship, emotions run high, and the betrayed partner often faces difficult decisions. One of the most common responses is to set an ultimatum: “Either you end the affair, or I’m leaving.” While ultimatums can serve as a boundary-setting tool, they also […]
Grief doesn’t simply go away. It doesn’t shrink or fade into the background. Instead, as Lois Tonkin’s model suggests, we grow around our grief. This concept is a profound shift from the traditional notion of grief as something that diminishes with time. Instead, life expands and […]
When betrayal occurs in a relationship, it shakes the very foundation on which love and trust were built. Healing from infidelity, secrecy, or any significant breach of trust is an arduous process—one that can feel like an upstream battle. An analogy that often resonates with couples […]
When couples enter therapy, especially after experiencing betrayal trauma, they often come in a state of distress, triggered by fight/flight/freeze responses. The emotional pain they feel is immense, and the thought of delving into what happened might feel overwhelming. Many clients may ask, “Why do we […]
Dating can often feel like a frustrating journey, especially when you feel like you keep meeting people who don’t align with your values or show genuine love and care. Clients often express frustration over their experiences with people who don’t meet their expectations, but what they […]
Many people struggling with sexual compulsive behavior often feel trapped, as if the harder they try to escape, the deeper they find themselves in the cycle. It can be discouraging and exhausting. However, recovery is not a passive process—it requires active effort, much like launching a […]
Masturbation without porn is a topic that often arises in relationships where one partner has concerns about pornography use. Some partners may say, “Just stop viewing porn—masturbation is okay.” However, whether masturbation is acceptable within a relationship depends on the values and beliefs of both individuals […]
What is True Confidence?Many people believe that confidence means having everything figured out or having reached a final destination. While this is partially true, real confidence—one of the Eight Cs of Self—does not mean having perfect knowledge or feeling like you’ve “made it.” Instead, confidence means […]
Imagine waking up in the morning and hitting the snooze button one too many times. Now, you’re late for work. In the rush to get out the door, you forget your lunch. When you arrive at the office, you’re met with the disapproving look of your […]
What is EMDR?EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is widely recognized by mental health professionals as the gold standard for trauma treatment. EMDR is a powerful, evidence-based approach that helps individuals process and heal from traumatic experiences.How Does EMDR Work?EMDR therapy works in […]
Scarcity Mindset and Its Impact on Attachment When we operate from a scarcity mindset, we tend to believe that connection is limited, conditional, or something we must earn. This often ties into the belief that love and acceptance are earned based on our actions, worth, or […]
Parenting is one of the most profound roles we take on in life, and how we show up for our kids has a lasting impact. One key idea that stands out in effective parenting is taking a one-down stance. This means meeting our children at their […]
Many children struggle to maintain a sense of self-worth due to the numerous demands and expectations imposed on them by society, parents, and even their sibling order. These pressures can unknowingly lead children to develop perfectionist tendencies, believing that their value is tied solely to their […]
In today’s digital world, where pornography is pervasive and readily accessible, it is more important than ever for parents to take an active role in teaching their children about healthy sexuality. Unfortunately, many children learn about sex through unrealistic and harmful portrayals in media, which can […]
Understanding What to Share with Your PartnerA structured approach to disclosure can be helpful in recovery from sexual addiction or betrayal trauma. The three concentric circles model provides a framework for understanding what should be shared with a partner and what should be processed with an […]
When you were a kid, you probably didn’t care too much about what others thought of you. You played, explored, and expressed yourself freely. However, as we grow older, we are taught to consider how our actions affect others. While empathy and awareness are essential traits, […]
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model identifies eight essential qualities of the Self: curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, connectedness, and calmness. These qualities are deeply interconnected, and when balanced, they help individuals achieve a sense of inner harmony. Two of the most critical elements—self-compassion and […]
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how couples handle disagreements can make all the difference. One of the most effective ways to navigate heated arguments is by taking structured breaks. Research shows that when emotions escalate, our ability to communicate effectively diminishes. This is why […]
In the journey of personal growth and self-leadership, the concept of the eight C’s of Self—curiosity, creativity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, calmness, and connectedness—guides us toward living with purpose and authenticity. Today, we focus on creativity, an essential element of a thriving and fulfilling life. However, […]
Pornography consumption is often viewed as problematic, but it’s important to recognize that, at its core, it serves a purpose—often as a coping mechanism. Many individuals turn to porn as a way to manage stress, uncomfortable emotions, and feelings of boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, and fatigue […]
Many partners struggle to understand why their loved one would relapse into compulsive pornography use, even when they know it will cause emotional pain and damage their relationship. To grasp this, we must explore the neurobiology of addiction and how habits form in the brain.The Brain […]
The Power of Language in RecoveryWhen it comes to addiction recovery, the language we use plays a crucial role in shaping identity, responsibility, and healing. One of the most debated terms in this space is “addict.” Some find solace in embracing the label, while others feel […]
When individuals seek coping mechanisms for overcoming porn use, many turn to distractions. While distractions can seem beneficial, it is crucial to examine their intention and purpose. Are they helping you refocus and grow, or are they just another way to avoid underlying issues?Understanding Distractions: Healthy […]
In relationships, one of the most common and frustrating cycles couples fall into is the debate between impact and intent. A simple analogy I often use to illustrate this dynamic is the experience of being physically hurt—let’s say, accidentally getting elbowed in the head while making […]
Understanding the Cycle of Temptation and RelapseHave you ever found yourself feeling vulnerable when faced with boredom or idle time? Without distractions, many people feel ill-equipped to manage their thoughts and urges, leading to anxiety and an increased likelihood of relapse. The longer a temptation lingers, […]
When it comes to infidelity, the immediate reaction is often to place full blame on the betrayer. The pain, devastation, and breach of trust make it seem obvious who is at fault. However, while an affair is a personal choice made by one partner, it is […]
When an affair happens, the betrayed partner often asks, “Did you truly love me?” This question cuts deep, touching on feelings of love, betrayal, and self-worth. To understand the answer, we must explore the connection between love, self-acceptance, and emotional capacity.The Capacity to Love and Self-LoveLove […]
A common question couples ask after infidelity is, “Can trust ever be rebuilt?” The answer isn’t simple, but it is possible. Rebuilding trust after an affair is much like reconstructing a fragile structure that has collapsed. The impact of betrayal can feel devastating, leaving both partners […]
Many people have a basic understanding of the difference between guilt and shame, but diving deeper into their effects on mental health and relationships reveals important insights. Brené Brown, a renowned author and shame researcher, offers valuable distinctions. She defines guilt as “adaptive and helpful—it’s holding […]
In relationships, the concepts of understanding and agreeing are often confused. Many couples assume that if their partner doesn’t agree with them, they must not understand them. However, this misunderstanding can create unnecessary conflict. In this post, we’ll explore why understanding and agreeing are two distinct […]
Porn addiction can significantly disrupt a person’s ability to align with the Eight C’s of Self, which are foundational principles in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. These key qualities represent a healthy and balanced sense of self, and addiction can affect each one in profound ways. […]
Misunderstandings and unintentional hurts are common in relationships, often leaving partners feeling unseen, unheard, or invalidated. It can be helpful for couples to approach these challenges as a team, recognizing that both partners care about improving communication and strengthening their connection. One of the most effective […]
When it comes to overcoming sexually compulsive behavior, two critical concepts often discussed are abstinence and recovery. While they may seem interchangeable, they represent distinct approaches to healing and personal growth. Understanding the difference between these two can empower individuals and their partners to navigate the […]